The best pregnancy bump retorts
Being pregnant can suddenly mean your body becomes public property. Here's how to handle the comments and tummy-groping!
The Bump Toucher
There's something about a tautly pregnant tummy that makes non-pregnant people itch to pat it.
To deter unwanted hands-on attention, it's best to perfect the Startled Retreat (raise eyebrows and step back) or the Protective Pose (hands over belly, so there's no room).
If those tricks don't work, it's time for the Reciprocal Rub (give them a pat on the tummy, too) or the fantastically upfront "hands off my bump" T-shirt.
Retort of last resort: "Do I look like Lassie? Then stop patting my belly."
Hands Off The Bump tees available from ASOS
The Bump Exposer
Grateful as we are to not spend three trimesters in yesteryear's shapeless maternity dresses, we're not all as intrepid as those brave few who treat pregnancy as one huge excuse to let it all hang out over the waistband of their maternity jeans. Which would be fine - and each to their own - if they didn't look just a shade too smug about it. Feeling a bit frumpy? Remind yourself that you're having a baby, not a fashion accessory.
Retort of last resort: "I wish I was as brave as you - I'm much too embarrassed to show people my stretch marks."
The Bump Comparer
We all compare bumps - secretly - just as we compare handbags or shoes. But that doesn't mean we want ours being publicly judged. If you're feeling attacked by those "Gosh, you're so much bigger/smaller than me!" comments, swiftly change the subject to something baby, rather than bump, related. Try: "Had your scan yet?" And take comfort in the fact that there's more to growing a baby than swelling to regulation size.
Retort of last resort: "Well, I'm told bumps always look much bigger/smaller on a leaner frame."
12:0AM, Jun 19th 2012
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